Cat Personal Ads

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The internet has changed the way we do things . . .

Whether you are posting your resume on LinkedIn, wearing out your thumbs on Tinder or checking out the services ads on Craigslist, more and more people are taking an active role in marketing themselves online.

Have you ever wondered what a cat might write if felines looked for owners the way people look for jobs and mates?

Perhaps it would look something like this . . .

Gentle cat, conservationist, seeks refined home where manners count more than mousing.
Gourmet seeks position as chief food taster. Excellent taste in venison, salmon and other fine meats. Connoisseur of cream. Will indicate quality of all foods tasted with loud purring.
Young cat, suffering delusions of lion-hood, requires easily scared family. Not yet able to dispatch wildebeest, will practice regularly on local wildlife.
Elderly tabby seeks employment as bed-warmer. Will keep bed warm throughout day in return for daily salary of Whiskas and water. Gets along well with similarly inclined felines of all colors and willing to work as a team or will cover additional beds on a rotating shift basis.
Mother's help seeks post, will undertake dish-licking and general purring. Willing to supervise well-behaved children. No tail-pullers need apply.
Retired supervisor, skilled in entertaining children seeks position as nanny/childminder. Has experience of working in large unruly household. Very tolerant, has trained large family now living overseas.
Daredevil, enjoys living dangerously, seeks untamed wilderness to explore/subdue between breakfast and evening dinner. Will keep territory free of children, dogs, rabbits and other cats. Will contribute towards own meals.
Adagio dancer and operatic singer prepared to give exhibitions any time, need board and lodging together. Midnight performances a specialty.
Small conscientious cat willing to work hard in return for good home; will tackle and destroy any creature up to a fair-sized moth; not afraid of spiders.
Sweet-natured, well-behaved cat, handicapped by enormous size, needs large country estate. Would make ideal companion/chaperone for single person with strong lap, good income and excellent taste in food.
Reformed juvenile delinquent seeks position with understanding family. No longer bites unless meals are late. Suitable replacement for guard dog.
Retired rodent-control operative seeks position controlling slow or disabled rats, maintaining physical presence or willing to supervise younger cats.
Tortoiseshell sisters seek large cat basket, sleeps 2, in well appointed location with en-suite gas-fire. Fully-qualified lap-warmers/purrers, willing to occupy laps on job-share basis. No mousing.
Trouble getting up in the morning? Enthusiastic feline alarm clock, preset to 5 a.m. seeks position after previous job fell through. Punctual, seven days/week.
Black and white cat seeks neck to warm. Suitable replacement for hot water bottle, does not cool down during night.

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