The Oath of a Longhair Cat

by Traci Jones

I, (insert name) do solemnly swear to uphold the duties entrusted to me by virtue of being a long haired cat.

  • Should I feel the need to eject a hairball, I promise never to do so on an easily cleanable surface if there is carpeting or other suitable fabric available.
  • I shall give continuing credence to the notion that cats are color-blind by seeking out contrasting colored fabrics on which to shed.
  • I shall exit the litter pan with at least a pound of cat litter between my toes, and proceed to spread it to the furthest possible point in my environment. Should I fail in my effort to leave the litter pan with a clean rear end, I will immediately sit on as many fabric covered items in the household as possible, and should this not satisfy my sense of personal hygiene, I shall dutifully scoot across a light colored carpet or bedspread to finish the job.
  • Should my owner invite people over to visit, I will proudly strut through the room in which they sit, tail held high, with as many dingle berries dangling off my hind end as I can possibly manage. Should this not cause sufficient embarrassment to my owner, I will then endeavor to sit in the company's lap.
  • I will consume canned cat food in a manner to assure that a good portion of it ends up in my ruff, and when I drink water, I will make every effort to soak the front portion of my body, thus, reconstituting the dried up canned food and my ruff into a mess that will throw my owner into spasms.
  • I shall always keep in mind that the proportion of coat lost during a show bath should be directly correlated to the number of points needed to finish my Grand title.
  • When it is the season to "blow coat", I shall sneak into the linen closet as many times as possible in order to lie on the clean linens and rid myself of loose hairs.
  • Should I feel the need to cause a knot in my coat during show season, I shall make reasonable effort to assure that the knot is in the most obvious place possible, thus sending my owner into frantic stages of worry.
  • Should I require lab work at the vet, I shall throw a very impressive hissy fit, causing the poor vet to shave off much more coat than would have been otherwise necessary. I will then shoot pointed dirty looks at my now fit-to-be-tied owner.
  • I shall purr endearingly as I insist on sleeping on my owners face at 2 AM, causing allergy symptoms.
  • While partaking in my allotted 18 hours a day of lounging about, I shall position my tail in such a manner that my owner is bound to step on the hair and pull it out in clumps simply by walking across the floor. Even though I do this intentionally, I will then sulk and cause severe guilt to my owner.
  • I will endeavor to drag what is left of my tail through my owner's dinner plate, while acting like I don't realize what I am doing.
  • Should my owner make the grievous error of attempting to paint the interior surfaces of my home, I shall closely supervise all aspects of this painting, and add my own art-deco to the project by walking across the lid to the paint can and as many uncovered surfaces as possible, leaving lovely starfish shaped prints.
  • I shall make every attempt to knock the clippers from the highest point possible onto the hardest floor in the house.
I promise to fulfill these duties as the opportunities present themselves to the very best of my ability.

Signature Signed this ______ day of_______, 19__


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